I thought I couldn’t go to Disneyland because I didn’t live in Paris

That, and the disappearance of my Furby have been the biggest lies of my childhood.

Dec 19, 2024

I guess I’ll be going to the States, then.

There is no voiceover snippet thingy this week because I share

feelings about hearing your own voice. It feels weird. At least he got away with good audio quality in a recent podcast episode, unlike me. This time, I called it quits after the 11th failed attempt at recording without scratchy sounds. This is my Festive Holiday Season Celebration gift for you. Merry Happy!

Do you remember how Disneyland advertisements were shown at the beginning of Disney movies on VHS? For us, in Europe, it was Disneyland Paris Resort and Theme Park. Geography may not be my strength, but I knew we did not live in France. Surely I asked my parents if we could meet Minnie Mouse at the resort for my birthday, but the lack of Disneyland Paris trips in my lifetime made me realise something: I thought I wasn’t allowed to go Disneyland because I didn’t live in Paris.

Was this one of those famous parental trickeries we’re now getting wind of? Like when my Furby doll ‘got lost’? Most likely yes.

When the boyfriend and his family planned their trip to the States and included me, I was surprised to learn we’d be going to Disneyland too. That’s when I realised that anyone could visit Disneyland, regardless of their residential address.

There is absolutely nothing stopping me from taking a plane right now and flying to Disneyland in Tokyo or Hong Kong! This is wild. It’s like knowing I can buy a cake and eat it alone, or wear that one tulle skirt with a witch hat any day. My intrusive thoughts are weird.

Is it, really, the happiest place on Earth?

When I entered the park, the first character I saw was Snow White. I leapt to hug her and cried a bit even if she was never my favourite. Then, I learnt that you’re not supposed to hug or touch the characters so casually. You’re also not supposed to cosplay them just in case people get confused and think you’re a real fake cartoon Princess from an imaginary universe in California.

As I was grasping the concept of cheese dipping sauce, I saw a child whining because he didn’t want to be there. He wanted to go home and play video games. I couldn’t believe it. Some people not only visited Disneyland without living in the same city but got to go enough times to get bored of it!

That was madness and I had no time for it.

I had pretzels to dip and Princesses’ autographs to collect. I even downloaded the app to track them around the park. No time to dilly-dally!

The boyfriend warned me about the endless streams of Disney music in every corner of the park, including bathrooms. He’d visited Disneyland before and entertained my most childish desires, from taking photos with all the Princesses I could stalk/find, to buying Maleficent memorabilia in every shop we entered. That’s when I had to ask a shop assistant what a dime was, and learned that when a price tag says $5.40 I shouldn’t waste my time counting coins in the palm of my hand while queuing to pay because the total won’t be $5.40.

Urgh, taxes, am I right?

One of the most annoying things was eating in restaurants. This won’t be a surprise if you have read my take on Italian shop assistants. When I eat, I’d like to be left alone.

Please, don’t come around to ask how’s the food, if I need anything else, to play themed games, or to take my plate away. I am likely taking a bite too big to handle and now I gotta look up, compose myself, smile hoping I don’t have stuff in my teeth, and mumble something coherent. Not a good look.

Many of these random everyday facts would be considered common knowledge, and most people wouldn’t have ignored the fashionable redhead lady waving at us at Universal Studios.

The boyfriend: “Why did you ignore Lucille?”

Me: “Who?”

The boyfriend: “Lucille Ball, the vintage-looking lady who waved at you.”

I spun around, trying to spot this alleged Lucille. I simply didn’t know who ‘I Love Lucy’ was. I’ve never seen the show on TV. I doubt it was ever dubbed in Italian.

I failed in my side-quest to try all the desserts, I thought there would be one or two places to get things. I had no idea popcorn came in flavours. Courtesy of Canva-PRO.

In America, everyone seemed to have main-character syndrome.

I expected America to be just like in teenage TV shows, but I was not ready for strangers talking to me for no reason. Everyone was blonde and looked like they would sit at the cheerleaders’ table in the cafeteria and I felt like a pistachio wearing a Maleficent headband.

And then there was the other side of the gate.

Outside the theme parks, on the Hollywood strip, quite literally walking among the stars, I found a vast array of wanna-be rappers, adult entertainment salespeople, flocks of loud tourists, and improbable character impersonators.

I don’t know what I was expecting, probably not that.

In no particular order, here’s my top 10 favourite things of the trip:

The fat Spiderman and smoking headless Mikey Mouse impersonators, the most real things I’ve seen.
Discovering half lemonade and half tea, what a winning combo.
Fluffy unicorn soft toys.
My pink book of Princesses’ signatures.
Real-life Krusty Burger where I celebrated my birthday.
Seeing a Hogwarts castle being built.
Toffee apples and Halloween-themed desserts in general.
Seeing the set of Gilmore Girls (Team Jess!).
Quasi-lunar landscapes between Hollywood and Las Vegas.
24-hour unlimited buffet access where I discovered my sexual orientation is dessertcurious.

And my 3 least favourite things:

Las Vegas hotels may look close together, but they were not. There were escalators to cross the street to enter yet another hotel, and doors were not automatic. I must have touched all kinds of germs in Vegas—it was a bit yucky. Also, pre-COVID, there were no hand sanitiser dispensers in sight, even in food courts.
Casinos in general are a bit yucky. They don’t even try to dazzle you; it’s just smoke, ugly carpets, artificial lighting, and loud noises. The very air smells like money and desperation. Casinos are mostly illegal in Italy so I played $10 on a slot machine for the first time and I found it impossible to walk away because the money I lost was never an even number. I can’t leave at $7.51, that’s too odd! $6.48 is silly, I need a full decimal. $4.99 (internal scream)
Hotels on the Las Vegas strip were ridiculously Baroque. This is how the French sans-culottes must have thought upon reaching Versailles. I’ve seen ornate walls with ornate paintings framed by ornate curtains and ornate light fixtures, covered by ornate statues because, why not? They got $$ to spare. Let everyone else eat cake. Also, everything was fake historical or fake European, or both, and why would you do it when you could go see the real thing?

Noticeable empty spot: Elvis.

Directly from the archives, please enjoy this authentic photographic evidence: